


Her Everything

by Kattwyllie



Category: SVU
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:27:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27155902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattwyllie/pseuds/Kattwyllie
Relationships: Rafael Barba & Reader, Rafael Barba/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	Her Everything

“Rafa…there you are…” Your voice trailed off at the sight of your fiancée finally returning to your shared apartment, “Thought you’d be home hours ago.” His eyes avoided yours as he shrugged off his coat, dropping it to the hook in the entryway as he kicked off his shoes. Your brows furrowed at the way he barely acknowledged you, quickly moving down they hallway to your room, the sound of scuffling around, a zipper or two being pulled piqued your interest. 

You gave a tired sigh, pausing the Netflix marathon in front of you, knowing that Rafael had been working through a rough case, padding you way to the bedroom. You leant yourself against the doorframe, an instant of shock taking over your face as you saw the suitcase on your bed.

“Rafael.” You began to move into the room, “What are you doing?” He continued to toss things into the suitcase, moving through the room, collecting things you hadn’t expected for a few nights away. He crossed into the bathroom, tossing a handful of toiletries into the bag before your hand strongly grasped his wrist, finally bringing his eyes to yours. “Rafael..what the fuck are you doing?” Your voice wavered slightly, tugging him to you as he tried to pull away.

“I fucked up…” He muttered, his gaze not meeting yours.

“And that means you need to pack a bag? Mi amour, what is going on?” Rafael stuttered, trying to pull away from you again, barely daring to meet your eye.

“Baby Drew….” He muttered, his eyes glued to the floor.

“What did you do?” Being part of the SVU squad you knew the specifics of the case, and you knew your fiancées history, knowing how much this case had affected him. Rafael tossed a few other items into his suitcase before zipping it up, finally looking up at you.

“It’s too late for me to ask for forgiveness.” Your heart clenched at the way he moved past you towards the door without a second glance, “I’ll be tried for murder, you need to disassociate yourself from me.”

“Rafa, no!” Tears broke into your eyes, barely able to meet the reddened ones of his. “You can’t mean it…we can work through this. I know you’re going though a lot but this doesn’t need to end…. I love you.”

“Carino, please.” He begged, “I can’t drag you through this, as much as I love you I want your name clean. You deserve so much better than me…”

“Raf..you can’t be serious…” You felt the tears start to leak over your cheeks, “I don’t care what happened, I love you…” Rafael took a shaky sigh, his eyes unable to meet yours, 

“Y/N. I am serious. I can’t do this anymore.” He dared to meet your reddened eyes for a brief second, “I need the ring back. If I don’t end up in jail I’m leaving the city.” 

You did your best to choke back a sob, ripping the diamond off your finger, tossing it to the kitchen island before turning back down the hallway, Rafael didn’t deserve to see your tears. As soon as you heard the apartment door close you broke into a fit of tears, collapsing onto the bed, your head in your hands.

Truthfully, things hadn’t been 100% over the past few months, but this was still completely out of left field. Rafael had been having a tough time at work ever since he had threats made out against him, he began to butt heads more often than not with Benson, and had his fair share of snippy moments with the squad. The two of you always did your best to leave the bickering of work at work, even if case files were spread across the kitchen island to pour over with a nightly glass of wine. 

You just couldn’t understand why Rafael wouldn’t let you help him through this. Sure, he was stubborn as hell, especially when it came to his independence, but to instantly give in and run from his problems afterwards was so unlike him. You thought he’d have more fight in him, apparently this case had affected him much more than he had let on, even to you, in the privacy of your home.

By the time you’d managed to finish crying you felt completely deserted, an emptiness in your chest you weren’t sure would ever go away. You gingerly pushed yourself up from the bed, moving to splash some cold water on your face before pouring a hefty glass of scotch. Grabbing your phone you made a quick call to Olivia, asking for a couple of days off, mentioning you were fine if they used up vacation days. Figuring you wanted the extra time with Rafael, Olivia quickly agreed, reassuring you to call if you needed anything. 

It was only when you didn’t show to his arraignment that she clued in that something was wrong. Not able to get anything out of Rafael she showed up at your apartment, her concern rising at the near empty bottle of wine on the counter and how disheveled you looked.

“You wanna talk about it?” She softly asked as she moved into the apartment, “Thought I’d see you at arraignment.” You gave a weary sigh, crossing your arms as you leaned against the island.

“It’s hard to support someone who doesn’t want your support.”

“Well he can get a little pig headed at times. I’m sure he’d want you at the trial.”

“I doubt that.”

“Hey, he’ll make bail, be home in a few hours, you guys can talk it out then.” You practically cut her off, knowing that beating around the bush was completely useless.

“Liv, he left me.” Shock took over her face, thoughts scrambling in her brain in an attempt to understand.

“What?”

“The night he pulled the plug. Came home, packed a bag, told me it was over…asked for the ring back and everything.” Turning slightly you topped up your wine glass, taking a large swig.

“I’m so sorry…” Her hand gave your arm a reassuring squeeze, “Maybe he’s just worried about being convicted?”

“He said if he gets off he’s leaving the city. I’ve tried calling but he never answers, not even to texts, he’s already shut me out.” A shaky sigh escaped your lips as you glanced up at your Captain, “I don’t know how I’m supposed to get over this. Rafael was the love of my life…”

“Oh sweetheart..” Olivia stepped towards you, wrapping you in a tight hug, “It’ll take time, and it’s not gonna be easy, but I know you’ll come out on the other side stronger.” You gave a watery muffled thanks against her coat, tears dripping onto the fabric, ever grateful for your Captain.

Just as Olivia had promised, it certainly wasn’t easy. You avoided the trial, at least relieved to hear the verdict came back not guilty, still holding your breath over the entire situation. Just as Rafael had promised, he handed in his resignation, two nights later you came home from work to find his half of the closet empty, his little nick nacks gone, his home office cleared out. 

Deciding to respect his space you gave it a few weeks, throwing yourself into work in an attempt of a distraction. Nearly a month later you tried his cell, finding it out of service, a few emails that were never replied to didn’t surprise you either. In a last ditch attempt, you ended up at his Mother’s apartment, who was just as shocked as you were over the entire thing. 

It appeared that Rafael Barba had decided to cut himself off completely from the entire world that he knew.

**  
Roughly four years had passed, you’d dealt with your grief, leaning on Olivia, helping each other through it. They’d been such close friends it affected her in a similar way it hurt you and the two of you were pretty quick to discover you had more in common than you’d realized. 

You and Amanda had been out in the field, trying to track down more witnesses for your current case, you’d gotten the update that the perp had lawyered up but nothing past that. After exhausting your last resource, you made a pit stop for coffee and a quick bite before heading back to the precinct. Right as you stepped out of the elevator your phone rang, causing you to wave off whatever Fin was trying to tell you. Your face changed to one of worry, moving quickly through the bull pen to Liv’s office, not bothering to knock, attention still half on your phone.

“Cap, Catalina fell of the swings, her arm might be bro-ken…” Your heart nearly stopped as you glanced up, realizing that she not only had company in her office, but it was none other than Rafael Barba himself. Your brows scrunched, glancing between the two of them, a million emotions rushing through your head. “I-uh…what?”

“Barba here was just explaining to me why the hell he’s working for the defence.” Olivia broke the awkward silence, the infliction and tone of her voice made you aware that she was just as surprised and upset as you were.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!?” You rounded on your ex, “What happened to you? What happened to advocating for the victims?” Scoffing as you rolled your eyes, “God. You used to have a heart.” Before Rafael even had a chance to open his mouth, Olivia returned your attention to her and the other pressing matter at hand.

“Y/N, don’t you have somewhere to be?” You cocked a brow at her, already forgetting about the phone call in the shock of the guest in her office, “Catalina?” She prompted, you nearly jumped at the realization.

“Fuck. Right. I can go?” She nodded quickly with a tight smile, waving you off as you scurried from the office. Rafael turned to Olivia with a baffled expression, his usual all knowing smirk wiped from his face as he stared at the brunette.

“Catalina?” His voice was barely over a whisper, his heart hammering in his chest, not missing the importance of the name. Olivia gave a soft sigh, 

“Y/N’s daughter…she turns four in October…you do the math.” Rafael’s eyes raised, filled with surprise and a million other emotions, meeting Olivia’s. Hers were a mix of sympathy and annoyance, being aware of the entire situation, how you’d done your best to contact him without abusing your power as a member of NYPD.

**

As it turned out, it wasn’t Catalina’s arm, just her wrist that ended up being broken. Your nanny apologized profusely, practically in tears when you arrived at the hospital. You did your best to calm her down, reminding her that these things happen, especially to kids, Cat would bounce back before either of you could imagine. You sent her home, promising an update, thankful when your daughter was discharged. The three and a half year old was still a little groggy, but more than excited at the thought of McDonald’s for dinner when you got home. 

You munched on some chicken nuggets and fries on the couch while you caught up on some Sofia the First, Catalina curled up against you. Your hand softly rubbed her non injured arm, lips gently meeting the top of her head every so often, simply glad that she was okay. She passed out much before her usual bedtime, you figured it was thanks to the leftover anesthesia and little bit of children’s Tylenol you’d been instructed to give her. Tucking her into bed you kissed her forehead gently, making sure her favourite stuffed bear was at her side and her nightlight was turned on before leaving the room, giving her one last soft glance before you pulled the door nearly shut.

Giving a heavy sigh, you double checked your phone, making sure Olivia hadn’t texted needing anything as you poured a glass of wine. Free of having to care for your daughter your brain started to turn back to the fact that Rafael was back in town, the fact that he had changed enough to be able to work for the defence. At first you tried pulling out some case files to distract you, but the thought of Carisi having to go up against someone who was once his friend and mentor made things even worse. You tossed the files aside, refilling your wine before you retreated back to the couch, turning on your most recent tv binge. 

It was a few hours later when there was a gentle knock at your door, figuring it was Olivia coming to check up on you, you threw the door open without double checking, your breath hitching in a gasp at the sight of Rafael. It took a moment for either of you to find your words, you eventually breaking the silence, 

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“I uh..” The man half stuttered, his usual silver tongue failing him, “I took a chance..” He glanced up at you, “You haven’t moved?” You let out a hefty sigh, crossing your arms over your chest, 

“It’s a rent controlled apartment halfway between Hogan Place and the precinct. I wasn’t about to give that up just because you left.”

“I..uh..I’m sorry…” You rolled your eyes, exaggerating the groan at the way Rafael was all of a sudden so timid, if he had the balls to be a defence attorney he should have the balls to stand up to his ex.

“Sure.” You snipped, “Wanna tell me why you’re really here?”

“Catalina..” His eyes finally moved up to meet yours, you could see the ache echoing through them.

“Fine.” You turned, moving from the door, letting Rafael into your apartment. He quietly shut the door behind himself. You made a gesture for him to still stay in the entrance way as you grabbed your wine, “What’d’you wanna know?”

“She’s nearly four..is she…?” His question was hesitant, not even wanting to vocalize his suspicions, hating himself for the potential reply.

“Yours?” You shot back, “You really think I would have a kid with someone else and name her after your Abuelita?” You could feel the tears building in your eyes, doing the best to hold them back.

“I..I have a daughter?” Rafael choked out, “Why wouldn’t you tell me?” That caused you to round on him, the anger taking over inside you.

“Don’t you think I TRIED! You cut yourself off from everyone! You left the state, you changed your phone number, your email, cancelled all of your social media’s, you didn’t even give your Mother any information! I did everything I could without accessing police databanks to find you! You have no one to blame for this but yourself!”

“I’m sorry…I wish I had known.” He attempted to move toward you, you stepped back, “Can I please see her?” You saw the sorrow written across his face but you weren’t about to let it slide, 

“There not a single reason I can think of for me to let you see her! You may be her father, but I am her everything!” You rolled your eyes, “Besides it’s past 9pm, you clearly know nothing about children if you think a three year old would still be up this late.” 

“What about this weekend?”

“Rafael! She doesn’t even know you exist!”

“What?” He felt his voice catch in the back of his throat, unable to come to terms with everything, “What did you tell her?”

“She’s young enough I didn’t have to say anything. Once she was old enough I figured I’d try to contact you again and if you didn’t answer I’d tell her the truth…that you left without knowing.”

“I’m sorry..”

“You keep saying that!” You spat back, taking a swig of your wine, you were both so involved in the argument you both missed the pitter patter of small feet in the hallway.

“Momma…” A small voice broke into your thoughts, “It hurts…” Both of your heads shot towards the the hall, where Rafael was met with a small girl, emerald eyes wide as saucers looking between the two of you, stuffed bear clutched in her un-injured arm. You instantly grabbed the bottle of pain killers and a bottle of water from the island before you scooped up you daughter in your other hand.

“I’m sorry baby, I know it hurts, let’s get you back to bed, it’ll hurt less after you take this.” You disappeared down the hallway, Rafael hearing murmurings of converstaion between you and his daughter, wishing he could be part of the relationship, hating that he’d stayed away for so long. It took a few moments before you finally shut the door, coming back out to the entrance.

“The bear…” Rafael began, glancing up at you, emotion shining through his green eyes, “Looks just like one of mine…” You sighed heavily, 

“She got it from Lucia..” You began, “We have dinner with her every Sunday, they practice Spanish together.”

“Really?”

“Who else was I supposed to turn to when the love of my life vanished? You left us with no one, what did you expect?!”

“I’m so sorry..if I had known…”

“You would’ve what?!” You cut him off, “You would’ve come back for her, but not for me? The moment you made me give you that ring back everything ended, even if something like this was about to happen, you betrayed me Rafael, and I’ll never forget it.” He took a heavy sigh, your words causing a shudder throughout his body, the regret sinking through him.

“I would have done better. I want to do better. I’m back in New York now, for good. I would deeply appreciate it if I was able to officially meet her. She doesn’t need to know who I am yet, I could just be a friend, we could do it at Mami’s.” 

Giving a hefty sigh, you chewed on your lip, thinking the situation over. Catalina deserved to know her father, she deserved to have a full family, you didn’t want to be the one holding back that experience from her, knowing she’d probably resent you later in life when she found out.

“Fine. But under no circumstance are you able to tell Catalina that you’re her father.”

“But—“

“You left without warning last time! How am I supposed to know you won’t do it again? I don’t trust you Rafael.” You nearly growled, Rafael’s eyes not able to meet yours at the comment.

“Okay…” He admitted to the defeat easier than you’d expected him to, it was clear he truly felt bad. Rafael was slowly realizing just how drastic his measures had been, and that popping back up at your precinct, working for the other team probably wasn’t the best idea.

“We usually go over around 5. Do yourself a favour and call your Mother…she misses you.” He gave you a small nod, understanding that the conversation was over, turning to leave your apartment. His body flinched at the sharp shutting of the door behind him, knowing that you weren’t about to welcome him back into your life with open arms.

**

Sunday rolled around and Rafael found you and Catalina already inside his Mother’s apartment. Lucia wrapped him in a tight hug but was quick to scold him for his actions, giving the back of his head a swift swat as he hung up his coat. You tentatively introduced Catalina to him, simply telling her that he was a friend of yours, remaining by her side to make sure she was comfortable with a semi-stranger. 

The girl warmed up relatively quickly, babbling away about the colouring she was doing, frequently asking Rafael to pass her specific coloured crayons. You had to do a little bit of translating for him as he wasn’t fluent in toddler speech but it didn’t take long for the awkwardness between the adults to dissipate from the room. Catalina turned to you when she drained her sippy cup of juice, uttering a small please as she held the cup out to you. A quick kiss to her head and you took the cup into the kitchen, refilling it and pausing briefly as you turned to view the scene on the other side of the breakfast bar. There was something so natural about the way the two interacted, it made sense of course, but you never in your life thought you’d see it for real. The smile on Rafael’s face truly reached his eyes, his features bright with adoration as he laughed at something his daughter had said. Lucia’s hand giving yours a soft squeeze broke you out of your trance, a warm smile on her face.

“Thank you.” Her voice was soft, an attempt to not be completely overheard by the others.

“I know I would hate myself if I kept him out of her life. I only hope I can explain it to her and have it make sense.”

“You’ll get there.” You gave her a soft smile, moving back to hand your daughter her juice, your eyes briefly meeting Rafael’s, filled with a glimmer of hope.

Overall the entire evening went by much smoother than you’d expected, Catalina was more than comfortable with her company, and the tension eased more and more as the night went on. When it was time to leave the little girl launched herself into her Abuelita’s arms for a tight hug, and surprised everyone when she tugged Rafael’s sleeve to give him a cautious and quick hug. She half gibberished out a ‘good to meet you’ that Rafael smiled brightly at.

“It was wonderful to meet you Catalina. I’m sure I’ll see you soon.” His gaze glanced up to you, who nodded in return, a light smile on your face. 

Over the next few weeks, Rafael made sure to carve out time in his hectic schedule to be able to see you and his daughter. Some days you’d meet for lunch, eat in the park, the two of you breaking down the barriers and discussing the politics of the situation while Catalina clambered over the playground. Other days he’d come over to your apartment for a meal, a game night, a movie night, anything that helped the two get to know each other while the two of you began to finally warm up to each other. Still hesitant to let them adventure through the city without you, you told Rafael he could accompany her nanny on outings when you were at work if he wanted to. 

It was just over a month later that Catalina’s curiousity got the best of her, Rafael had been around so often than she asked you if he was your prince. You snorted in response, but knew just how intuitive children could be, especially at a younger age, if you didn’t tell her soon, she was sure to figure it out for herself. Especially with the fact that Rafael referred to her Abuelita as ‘Mami’, there was obviously a connection. 

So, you sat her down and did your best at explaining an already tricky situation in a way that would make sense to an almost four year old. She seemed to understand, that Papi didn’t know about her when she left, and that you couldn’t get in contact with him, that he’d just returned to the city to find out about her. That’s why he’d been around so much, he wanted to get to know her. You thanked the media Gods for displaying families with separated parents on kids shows, Catalina was able to process that the two of you weren’t together, but you both loved her very much.

The next time Rafael came over for an afternoon that was to be spent at the zoo, Catalina bounded into his arms with a small gift bag, a monogrammed #1 Dad coffee mug inside, along with a couple of drawings she’d done with the nanny. You had texted him to say that you’d told her, so it wasn’t a complete surprise, but the gesture was still absolutely adorable.

You had to admit, this certainly wasn’t the life you’d expected, and it certainly didn’t happen in the direction you thought it would go. You were thankful for Catalina to now be able to grow up with both parents, that whatever kind of family this was, it was full of love, and everyone wanted the best for her. You didn’t know exactly what the future would hold, how things would progress, but all that truly mattered was that your daughter was safe, and that she was loved, and with this company? She most certainly was.


End file.
